The God who sees ME

The God who sees ME

El Roi is my favorite name of God because it means the God who sees. He sees me. He wants to have a relationship with me and wants to know every detail of me life even though He is KING of the Universe. He is so good to me. He is my Lord and Savior. Nothing shall separate me from His love. He is All that I need and MORE!

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Doubting Kimberly

So I wanted to share something the Lord's been bringing up several times lately in my life...
He's been showing me that because of lack of feeling, emotion, or drive, I have let those doubts take over and just torment me with so many thoughts. Mostly, two things go on, on days I don't have that overwhelming desire to seek God, I get frustrated with myself and really doubt my Christian life. The other thing that goes on is just the fact that I haven't hit the gold in my relationship with Him. I know it's there because the Bible promises it, but when I don't see but a glimmer, I really start doubting.

I've actually been praying and praying, "Lord, give me a desire for you. Show me how to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Show me why I haven't been radically changed like the people who touched You were. Show me why I have these doubts."

I have to confess my lack of faith in our Faithful God! Like I said, He's been bringing this matter up in my life. Through these confirmations that I will explain, He's been saying to me, "My promises are true and can be BELIEVED, it's time for the doubt to go."

I listen to a lot of audio books and a lot of audio in general, so He'll definitely bring themes up these!

-Revolution in World Missions was audio book that Gospel For Asia sent me, and I was listening to it and K.P Yohannan is an Indian man growing up in India and being called to help call missions from their own country to reach their own people. He now has a huge ministry that's reaching all of Asia.
This book was amazing (and I still have an hour left to listen to) and there was so many parts that stuck out to me. One in particular was the absolute necessity to the Holy Spirit to be the lead in foreign mission and the focus on the gospel as the purpose in it. He explained how in our day and age, Christians have gotten away from the need to preach the gospel- share Jesus- to the people they are trying to reach, and instead replace it with fulfilling earthly needs. Yes, those needs are important, and Jesus teaches very clearly over and over in the Bible that we ARE to be meeting the needs of the poor and needy. It's part of having much! It's part of giving the resources in our life to God and spending it all on what He leads us to... But as K.P pointed out, clean water, education, food, is not going to save a person from Hell. Jesus himself met the needs of so many people, but many of them wanted Him around for the wrong reason. They were looking at the bread and the fish and not the Provider! Is this a mind-set that has crept into many of our belief system unawares? I think so! Kinda goes back to doing good things for God to please Him, as apposed to knowing Him most intimately and hearing His longs for the poor and the needy, the fatherless and the widow, and wanting to give them what He's giving us, being a steward of the resources, and desiring that they might know the Blessed Redeemer too. He even gave an example of one people group who had missionaries come to them and were reached with Christian schools, medical relief, and food, but when the missionaries left, the people turned back to their old religion. And they were worse off because they had a skewed picture of the gospel. It's a completely different mind-set in foreign missionaries.

How did the Lord use this message to speak to me about doubting? Well, mostly that this was one of the doubts that crept in because I realized how I AM just wanting to go to be a missionary to give my resources and love the people, but what power of the Holy Spirit is going to be leading and guiding me and saving the people? I definitely had gotten away from the purpose of reaching people is to tell them about Jesus!!!! He's going to be the lasting difference in their life. So my doubt is do I have it and live in that Holy Spirit?

I've been really praying about going to Mexico this fall to help in an orphanage there. I'd love to be working with kids and taking care of them! Oh, my desire is to do that and share with them the love of Jesus! But when I heard this message I thought, no matter how many hugs, laughter, talking with them, meeting their needs, playing with them, none of this will make a lasting difference, except that they get Jesus through it!

-Pilgrim's Progress. I am editing a dramatic version of this and every time I listen to this part it always gets me. The part where Christian and Hopeful are locked up in the Doubting Castle. I am they are stuck in there until they remember that they have the KEY OF PROMISE!!!!! This is the part Jesus is like, "See here, it's simple, I've giving you the key already! Use it!"

"Well, on Saturday about midnight, they began to pray, and continued in prayer till almost break of day. Now, a little before it was day, good Christian, as one half amazed, brake out into this earnest speech:

Christian. "What a fool," quoth he, "am I to lie in a foul-smelling dungeon, when I may as well walk at liberty! I have a key in my bosom called Promise, that will, I am sure, open any lock in Doubting Castle."
Then said Hopeful, That is good news, good brother: pluck it out of thy bosom, and try."
Then Christian pulled it out of his bosom, and began to try at the dungeon door, whose bolt, as he turned the key, gave back, and the door flew open with ease, and Christian and Hopeful both came out. Then he went to the outward door that leads into the castle-yard, and with his key opened that door also. After, he went to the iron gate, for that must be opened too; but that lock went exceedingly hard, yet the key did open it. Then they thrust open the gate to make their escape with speed; but that gate, as it opened, made such a creaking, that it waked Giant Despair who, hastily rising to pursue his prisoners, felt his limbs to fail; for his fits took him again, so that he could by no means go after them. Then they went on, and came to the King's highway again, and so were safe because they were out of Giant Despair's rule.
-Adventures in Odyssey episodes "Imagination Station part 1 and 2." This one was about Digger who goes to the time of Jesus' death and resurrection. The passage is John 20:24-29. Jesus had told his disciples he was going to be risen up... The women had seen him personally at the grave, ALIVE... But Thomas could not believe that He was indeed alive. I have always written Thomas off, like yeah that's just old doubting Thomas... But it struck me while listening, do we realize that Thomas dearly loved Jesus? He WAS very passionate about Jesus, that's why he wasn't willing to be satisfied with a counterfeit. He ONLY wanted HIS Jesus. Yes, he did doubt, and this is what Jesus was confirming in my life. To us, it's pretty obviously looking in thinking, why didn't he just believe? But how much hard it is for us or ME to just believe and cast aside all doubts? That's me, when it I should be rejoicing and believing and in fulness of His presence, I'm really quite blindly not accepting the fact that YES I AM A BELIEVER. YES I HAVE THE HOLY SPIRIT. Yes, more in my Christian walk is possible. Yes, I may not have hit gold, but the first step to getting to that gold is refusing to allow doubts in! And instead believe and trust in His promises...
-OH! Side thought/confirmation this wasn't in an audio confirmation but, one day the thought crossed my mind. What protects us against the blows of the enemy? The Shield of faith.... What is faith it's the action of BELIEVING! Also what fights the attacks of the enemy? The Sword the Spirit. What is this other than the promises of the Bible, and the Holy Sprit?
-OK, so it all of this summed up very well in an audio book that just randomly started on the chapter of "Doubts" from the book "The Christian's Secret to a Happy Life" by Hannah Whitall Smith. WHOA, I'm just going to copy paste the large sections of this because it's like God was like, "I'm telling you the answer, HERE IT IS!" It's very clear all these themes! OK I copied in huge chunks and emboldened the parts that hit me.
A great many Christians are slaves to the habit of doubting. No drunkard was ever more utterly bound by the chains of his fatal habit than they are by theirs. Every step of their whole Christian life is taken against the fearful odds of an army of doubts, that are forever lying in wait to assail them at each favorable moment. Their lives are made wretched, their usefulness is effectually hindered, and their communion with God is continually broken by their doubts. And although the entrance of the soul upon the life of faith, of which this book treats, does in many cases take it altogether out of the region where these doubts live and flourish; yet even here it sometimes happens that the old tyrant will rise up and reassert his sway, and will cause the feet to stumble and the heart to fail, even when he cannot succeed in utterly turning the believer back into the dreary wilderness again.
We all of us remember, doubtless, the childish fascination, and yet horror, of that story of Christian’s imprisonment in Doubting Castle by the wicked giant Despair, and our exultant sympathy in his escape through those massive gates and from that cruel tyrant. Little did we suspect then that we should ever find ourselves taken prisoner by the same giant, and imprisoned in the same castle. And yet I fear to every member of the Church of Christ there has been at least one such experience. Turn to the account again, if it is not fresh in your minds, and see if you do not see pictured there experiences of your own that have been very grievous to bear at the time, and very sorrowful to look back upon afterwards.
It seems strange that people, whose very name of Believers implies that their one chiefest characteristic is that they believe, should have to confess to such experiences. And yet it is such a universal habit that I feel if the majority of the Church were to be named over again, the only fitting and descriptive name that could be given them would be that of Doubters. In fact, most Christians have settled down under their doubts, as to a sort of inevitable malady, from which they suffer acutely, but to which they must try to be resigned as a part of the necessary discipline of this earthly life. And they lament over their doubts as a man might lament over his rheumatism, making themselves out as an “interesting case” of especial and peculiar trial, which requires the tenderest sympathy and the utmost consideration.
And this is too often true of believers, who are earnestly longing to enter upon the life and walk of faith, and who have made perhaps many steps towards it. They have got rid, it may be, of the old doubts that once tormented them, as to whether their sins are really forgiven, and whether they shall, after all, get safe to Heaven; but they have not got rid of doubting. They have simply shifted the habit to a higher platform. They are saying, perhaps, “Yes, I believe my sins are forgiven, and I am a child of God through faith in Jesus Christ. I dare not doubt this any more. But then—” And this “but then” includes an interminable array of doubts concerning every declaration and every promise our Father has made to His children. One after another they fight with them and refuse to believe them, until they can have some more reliable proof of their being true, than the simple word of their God. And then they wonder why they are permitted to walk in such darkness, and look upon themselves almost in the light of martyrs, and groan under the peculiar spiritual conflicts they are compelled to endure.
Spiritual conflicts! Far better would they be named did we call them spiritual rebellions! Our fight is to be a fight of faith, and the moment we doubt, our fight ceases and our rebellion begins.
I desire to put forth, if possible, one vigorous protest against this whole thing. Just as well might I join in with the lament of a drunkard and unite with him in prayer for grace to endure the discipline of his fatal indulgence, as to give way for one instant to the weak complaints of these enslaved souls, and try to console them under their slavery. To one and to the other I would dare to do nothing else but proclaim the perfect deliverance the Lord Jesus Christ has in store or them, and beseech, entreat, command them, with all the force of my whole nature, to avail themselves of it and be free. Not for one moment would I listen to their despairing excuses. You ought to be free, you can be free, you MUST be free!
Will you undertake to tell me that it is an inevitable necessity for God to be doubted by His children? Is it an inevitable necessity for your children to doubt you? Would you tolerate their doubts a single hour? Would you pity your son and condole with him, and feel that he was an interesting case, if he should come to you and say, “Father, I cannot believe your word, I cannot trust your love”?
I am convinced that to many people doubting is a real luxury, and to deny themselves from indulging in it would be to exercise the hardest piece of self-denial they have ever known. It is a luxury that, like the indulgence in all other luxuries, brings very sorrowful results; and, perhaps, looking at the sadness and misery it has brought into your own Christian experience, you may be tempted to say, “Alas! This is no luxury to me, but only a fearful trial.” But pause for a moment. Try giving it up, and you will soon find out whether it is a luxury or not. Do not your doubts come trooping to your door as a company of sympathizing friends, who appreciate your hard case, and have come to condole with you? And is it no luxury to sit down with them and entertain them, and listen to their arguments, and join in with their condolences? Would it be no self-denial to turn resolutely from them, and refuse to hear a word they have to say? If you do not know, try it and see.
 But all the while you are as really indulging in hard and wrong thoughts of your Lord as ever you did of a human enemy; for He says He came not to save the righteous, but sinners; and your very sinfulness and unworthiness is your chiefest claim upon His love and His care.
As well might the poor little lamb that has wandered from the flock and got lost in the wilderness say, “The shepherd does not love me, nor care for me, nor remember me, because I am lost. He only loves and cares for the lambs that never wander.” As well might the ill man say, “The doctor will not come to see me, nor give me any medicines, because I am ill. He only cares for and visits well people.” Jesus says, “They that are whole need not a physician, but they that are sick.” And again He says, “What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?” Any thoughts of Him, therefore, which are different from what He says of Himself, are hard thoughts; and to indulge in them is far worse than to indulge in hard thoughts of any earthly friend or foe. From the beginning to the end of your Christian life it is always sinful to indulge in doubts. Doubts are all from the devil, and are always untrue. And the only way to meet them is by a direct and emphatic denial.
And this brings me to the practical part of the whole subject, as to how to get deliverance from this fatal habit. My answer would be that the deliverance from this can be by no other means than the deliverance from any other sin. It is to be found in the Lord and in Him only. You must hand your doubting over to Him, as you have learned to hand your other temptations. You must do just what you do with your temper, or your pride. You must give it up to the Lord. I believe myself the only effectual remedy is to take a pledge against it as you would urge a drunkard to do against drink, trusting in the Lord alone to keep you steadfast.
Like any other sin, the stronghold is in the will and the will to doubt must be surrendered exactly as you surrender the will to yield to any other temptation. God always takes possession of a surrendered will. And if we come to the point of saying that we will not doubt, and surrender this central fortress of our nature to Him, His blessed Spirit will begin at once to work in us all the good pleasure of His will, and we shall find ourselves kept from doubting by His mighty and overcoming power.
The trouble is that in this matter of doubting the soul does not always make a full surrender, but is apt to reserve to itself a little secret liberty to doubt, looking upon it as being sometimes a necessity. “I do not want to doubt any more,” we will say, or, “I hope I shall not”; but it is hard to come to the point of saying, “I will not doubt again.” But no surrender is effectual until it reaches the point of saying, “I will not.” The liberty to doubt must be given up forever. And the soul must consent to a continuous life of inevitable trust. It is often necessary, I think, to make a definite transaction of this surrender of doubting, and to come to a point about it. I believe it is quite as necessary in the case of a doubter as in the case of a drunkard. It will not do to give it up by degrees. The total abstinence principle is the only effectual one here.
Then, the surrender once made, the soul must rest absolutely upon the Lord for deliverance in each time of temptation. It must lift up the shield of faith the moment the assault comes. It must hand the very first suggestion of doubt over to the Lord, and must tell the enemy to settle the matter with Him. It must refuse to listen to the doubt a single moment. Let it come ever so plausibly, or under whatever guise of humility, the soul must simply say, “I dare not doubt; I must trust. The Lord is good, and HE DOES love me. Jesus saves me; He saves me now.” Those three little words, repeated over and over,—“Jesus saves me, Jesus saves me,”—will put to flight the greatest army of doubts that ever assaulted any soul. I have tried it times without number, and have never known it to fail. Do not stop to argue the matter out with your doubts, nor try to prove that they are wrong. Pay no attention to them whatever; treat them with the utmost contempt. Shut your door in their faces, and emphatically deny every word they say to you. Bring up some “It is written,” and hurl it after them. Look right at Jesus, and tell Him you trust Him, and you mean to trust Him. Let the doubts clamor as they may, they cannot hurt you if you will not let them in.
This very day a perfect army of doubts stood awaiting my awaking, and clamored at my door for admittance. Nothing seemed real, nothing seemed true; and least of all did it seem possible that I—miserable, wretched—could be the object of the Lord’s love, or care, or notice. If I only had been at liberty to let these doubts in, and invite them to take seats and make themselves at home, what a luxury I should have felt it to be! But years ago I made a pledge against doubting; and I would as soon think of violating my pledge against intoxicating liquor as to violate this one. I DARED not admit the first doubt. I therefore lifted up my shield of faith the moment I was conscious of these suggestions, and handing the whole army over to my Lord to conquer, I began to say, over and over, “The Lord does love me. He is my present and my perfect Saviour; Jesus saves me, Jesus saves me now!” The victory was complete. The enemy had come in like a flood, but the Lord lifted up a standard against him, and he was routed and put to flight; and my soul is singing the song of Moses and the children of Israel, saying, “I will sing unto the Lord, for He hath triumphed gloriously: the horse and his rider hath He thrown into the sea. The Lord is my strength and my song, and He is become my salvation. The Lord is a man of war; the Lord is His name.”
It will help you to resist the assaults of this temptation to doubt, to see clearly that doubting is sin. It is certainly a direct disobedience to our Lord, who commands us, “Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” And all through the Bible everywhere the commands to trust are imperative, and admit of no exceptions. Time and room would fail me to refer to one hundredth part of these, but no one can read the Psalms without being convinced that the man who trusts without a question, is the only man who pleases God and is accepted of Him. The “provocation” of Israel was that they did not trust; “anger also came up against Israel, because they believed not in God, and trusted not in His salvation.” (Psalms 78:17-22.) And in contrast, we read in Isaiah concerning those who trust, “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee, because he trusteth in Thee.” Nothing grieves or wounds our hearts like doubting on the part of a friend, and nothing, I am convinced, grieves the heart of God more than doubting from us.
Dear, doubting soul, go and do likewise; and a similar victory shall be thine. As you lay down this book take up your pen and write out your determination never to doubt again. Make it a real transaction between your soul and the Lord. Give up your liberty to doubt forever. Put your will in this matter over on the Lord’s side, and trust Him to keep you from falling. Tell him all about your utter weakness and your long-encouraged habits of doubt, and how helpless you are before your enemy, and commit the whole battle to Him. Tell Him you will not doubt again; and then henceforward keep your face steadfastly looking unto Jesus, away from yourself and away from your doubts, holding fast the profession of your faith without wavering, because He is faithful who has promised. And as surely as you do thus hold the beginning of your confidence steadfast unto the end, just so surely shall you find yourself in this matter made more than conqueror, through Him who loves you.

Ahhh, what a beautiful relieve and joy and realize it's that SIMPLE!! Jesus Saves me, Jesus Saves me now! I'm going to close with that simple phrase and also the Key of promise unlocks doubting castle!